It makes me think of the comedian Louis C.K., and his riff on how spoiled we all are. We live in incredible times, are wealthy beyond measure as a country, and have access to the most amazing technology imaginable. And everyone is unhappy.
He tells the story of being on an airplane and they announced that for the first time ever, they were offering free wifi on the plane during flight. Everyone opened up their laptops and there it was. Fast and free. A little while later, they made another announcement, this time saying there was some problem with the wifi and that they apologized, but that it was down. The guy sitting next to him said with disgust, “This is bullshit.”
Louis thought it profound that here was this thing, free internet access at 35,000 feet, which hadn’t even existed fifteen minutes earlier, and already this guy was pissed because he felt someone owed him something.
“You’re flying! Like a bird! Isn’t that enough?” he cried. He also said everyone should have only one expression while flying, then he leans back in his chair with his arms outstretched on the armrests and a look of total terror and glee while crying, “Ahhhhhh!”
People talk about air travel as if it was the worst experience of their lives. I’ve done it. Everyone who travels much does it. We’re all spoiled.
People will say, “You’ll never believe what happened to me. It was the worst day of my life. First off, we were delayed 30 minutes, then we got on the plane and SAT on the runway for another 45 minutes. I was over an hour late! Can you believe it?”
The flight from New York to Los Angles takes six hours. It used to take three years by wagon train. People died. Others were born. You arrived with a whole different group of people than when you left!
So, yes I will arrive late to my destination. I won’t get as much sleep as I’d like. (Actually, I’ll probably get about the same amount of sleep, I just won’t drink as much as I would have at the hotel bar.) And yet, the flight attendant just handed me a hot towel to wipe my hands and face and any second now, she’ll be giving me my free cocktail. A little ice, a little rum, a little soda, a little straw. It’s still in a plastic fucking cup, but what the hey. I’m writing on my computer and listening to music with my Bose noise canceling headphones, eating my peanuts. It could be worse.
But I’ll tell you the problem with this. You start to think, okay, this really isn’t so bad. And then the next flight you’re back in the cattle car with all the other cows. And you’re cramped and hot and the guy next to you is even fatter than you are, and it’s taking forever for the drink cart to get to you and you’ve never been this thirsty in your whole life, the guy in front of you insists on leaning back in his seat providing you with a view of the top of his head but not your book, and you ate something you really shouldn’t have and now your stomach is rumbling and you’re praying you can wait until you get to your hotel before you need to do something about it, and that’s when you remember why you hate to fly.
The thing is, I DO like to travel. I like discovering new cities, restaurants and bars. I like meeting new people from different cultures and drinking with them. I enjoy bringing my camera and taking pictures of exotic places. I do like to travel.
I hate to fly.
Admittedly it’s better than the stagecoach, but I’m not sure it’s necessary to revert back to the frontier days to appreciate how far we’ve come. I don’t sit around constantly amazed with electric lights, the modern combustion engine, or how a package I mail from New Jersey gets to Canada overnight by making a pitstop in Memphis, Tennessee.
What I want is for things to be just a little better. Most things have gotten better over the years. Or at least faster and smaller. But flying, this thing that used to be so glamorous, is now a light form of torture. The airline I fly regularly got rid of glassware after 9-11, for some inexplicable reason and even after the other airlines brought back proper glass glasses, my airline stuck with the cheap plastic cup. This might not sound like a big deal but for what I regularly pay for airline tickets, I think they should spring for the stemware. The food they feed you is one step up from hospital food and the staff are underpaid and surly. I can’t think of another industry that can treat it’s customers so badly and stay in business. They can’t actually, that’s why the government has to keep bailing them out.
People are constantly telling me how great it is that I “get to travel” like I do, and at least partly so, they’re right. I’ve gotten to see some cool places and experience wonderful things.
But it’s not all glamour. There’s lots of endless waiting, traffic jams, cramped spaces, lack of sleep, bad food, dirty cabs, dirty cab drivers, hotel rooms that are too hot, hotel rooms that you could hang meat in, hangovers, lost luggage, delayed flights, canceled flights, airport security, customs agents, and that doesn’t even get into the self-absorbed, egomaniacal, pushy, demanding clients. What does it tell you that when I get home I want peanut butter and jelly, a glass of juice and my own bed?
On the other hand, the flight attendant just brought me German chocolate cake which is pretty good and I just ordered another drink.
And that’s how they get you.
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